One Step Forward Two Steps Back

Pounds Gained: 3
Toilets Fixed: 1
Caffeine Units: 3
Alcohol Units: Waiting Until Noon

After a month of hard sweaty work trying to improve myself in the two short years before I turn forty I have gained 3 pounds! This is terrible. I have been working out 4 times a week -- at least -- and this is the thanks I get? And stop with that BS about muscle weighing more than fat.

On the plus column dear Forty Plus friend D taught me how to make delish Chicken Saltinbucca (pound sage leaf and piece of prosciutto into chicken breast then brown, finish in oven, make tasty sauce from stuff left over in pan and wine and shallots). Weehah!

On negative side, I am fixing toilets and still haven't began finishing novel. Also invited 40 people (and their 40 kids) to fancy horse race party to be held in 6 days and haven't begun planning menu. Alcohol Units Desperately Needed!

Red Alert Running out of firming Cream and found two gross facial hairs and one gross nasal hair. No gray pubies, though!!!!!!!!!!

Confessions of a Faux Gourmet

For my ninth, 29th Birthday several weeks ago, my dear friend D is giving me a cooking lesson. Since her house is being remodeled she is coming here to cook. So today she calls and says I'm bringing everything -- don't worry.

What is everything?

Everything but the staples.

What are staples?

You know like butter, flour.

Oh.

You do have those, right?

Ummm.

You don't have flour?

Ummm. You see D, I don't really cook. I pretend to cook by scaping takeout into my own dishes.

You don't have flour?

I don't bake.

You don't have flour?

Yes, I admit it. I am 38 years old, the mother of two, and I don't have flour. I have lots of face creams, however.

Must run, must buy flour before the school run.

I am Mrs. Robinson

So I'm out for my speedwalk and I am passed by three college guys out for a jog. I should mention that they were shirtles, very cute and the the testosterone was flying off their bodies like sweat. They say good morning and glance back as they pass me. Ooh, I got checked out.

Then I hear "not bad for her age."

And I realize, they think I am old. And to them, I pretty much am. In fact, I am old enough to be their mother without being a highschool pregnancy statistic.

I am Mrs. Robinson.

I am so depressed.

Gummi Bear Anyone?

Today I was one of the Ladies who Lunch. There is just one problem: I had to valet park my car at the restaurant. I swear to God, the valet parker flinched when he saw the inside of my Mom-mobile. It honestly looks like a portable pandemic awaiting condemnation or quarantine by the Centers for Disease Control. Can you catch cholera from a car? If so, don't ride with me.

The worst part of the whole experience is that one of the women I met needed a ride home and she ended up with gummi bears stuck to the bottom of her silk suit. And here's what a terrible friend I am -- I didn't say anything as she walked away. I'm just hoping they fall off somewhere before she notices.

Perhaps my wrinkles are not the only thing in need of a little TLC in my life.

I am a Fundraising Guru

Two year fundraising effort for children's school yields 40 cents! Yes, you read correctly. As directed I have been religiously saving those little cardboard coupons on cereal boxtops and after two years I have earned a whopping 40 cents! How could this be? Well, you've seen photographic evidence of my organizational skills -- I keep losing them -- er tossing them. Little did I know that it is apparently a status thing for my kids to turn these in at school. I have just been informed that my inability to save boxtops like proper mom is embarrassing them.

Wait until they find out I missed the Sally Foster giftwrap and the Bookdrive deadlines.

In other news: Thinny Chin Chin is a miracle cream. My neck is silky smooth and lemon-lime fresh. The only problem is I need a new jar and its only been three weeks. But hey, who doesn't need a liquid bra for her jowels?

Must run -- I hear Brad Pitt may still be in town (researching movie) and though I am probably not tatted up properly to suit his tastes, it would be fun to chase him around my boring suburban park.

People I Envy & Therefore Hate

People with clean desks.
People who always dress appropriately for the occassion.
People without unwanted body hair.
People with spotless autos.
People who know what to do with all the crap that comes through the mail slot.

Where is my Grace?

While I was out improving my self through speedwalking and trying to channel good attidute my cleaning lady had a little accident with our NICEST possession. An antique Japanese bowl that was given to us as a wedding present that is over 200 years old and very expensive and irreplaceable. Somehow a heavy lamp finial came off a lamp, flew across the room and landed in the middle of the bowl, breaking it into three pieces. See photo to right!

"Sorry." Sorry?

I couldn't speak. I did the very grown up thing of locking myself in my study until she left. I am sure I have gotten a new wrinkle or two over this. Of course I won't fire her. Of course I won't dock her pay. Of course it is my fault for owning in the first place. BUT I am so freaking angry I am sure that every free radical in my body is going crazy and I have set my anti-aging process back 6 months. No amount of Yoga breathing is gonna help this crazed woman.

I probably got a gray pubie over this. I'm too afraid to look.

Gray Pubes?

To disturbing to contemplate. Report from 40 something friend -- the hairs "down there" go gray along with everything else! Oh my freaking God. I am not ready for this. Exactly who out there is okay with this?

Was in a Coma?

Minutes spent looking for digital camera: 20
Caffeine units: 3
Minutes spent looking at crow's feet: 5
Minutes spent trying to organize mail: 15
Hours spent trying to debug computer: 2

Was I in a coma for part of the day? Because somehow the day is pretty much shot (time for the school run) and I have gotten NOTHING accomplished and haven't watched any TV. What is it that is preventing me from being a normal, productive human being? I have even lost my To Do list.

At least I have my Thinny Chin Chin cream.

The Best Thing About Wrinkles

One good thing has come out of my current obsession with wrinkles, flab, my age, and general lack of accomplishment since turning thirty eight short years ago: I have forgotten about how much I hate my nose.

Self Esteem Cream

New, patent-pending Self-Esteem Cream. Removes crows feet and self-doubt. Apply twice daily. Results most effective when viewed while drinking wine.

Also works on cellulite, stretch marks and flab. Results most effective when you apply thin layer of cream over mirror used to view afflicted area.

Pink Devilish Me!

Gigantic Bags of Halloween Candy eaten: 2 (not all today!)
CVS stores visited ISO small Pink Devil Princess Fairy thing: 5
Alcohol Units: 3
Caffeine Units: 4
Pizzas ordered for baseball practice: 2

I am almost too embarrassed to blog. I actually drove to 5 different CVS stores in search of some strange Pink Devil Fairy Princess costume my daughter wants in size small. All stores only have size large. She freaks out and I resolve to order costume from over priced catalogue only to discover COSTUME IS NOT MADE IN SIZE SMALL. So excessive carbon imprint made by my SUV driving all over creation for a freaking Halloween costume was irrelevant. Object of my daughter's desire DOES NOT EXIST. I am so freaking stupid I could just scream. WHY did I do such a thing? No wonder I need so many creams and cannot finish long over due novel.

Strangely, despite horrifyingly stupid day, I am okay. I have no idea why, perhaps it is b/c creams are most effective while drinking wine.

P.S. I itch!

The ant bites really itch. But what really bites is that when I came home from Back to School night at 9 p.m. the kids were running around in the basement. Did it occur to my darling husband that it is a school night? That there is such a thing as bedtime, jammies, teeth brushing and stories and that at least one element of said bedtime ritual should be initiated before 9 p.m.?????????

Sad thing is, it is not worth fighting over -- plus he's snoring in front of the television. Thanks for being there to call 911 if the house caught on fire. Is this really how the rest of America lives? Am I wrong to want more from life? Would it be too much to expect to have the kids tucked in by him without my help once????? Or maybe twice, but yeah, that's pushing it.

Time for the cream. After all, it is better to look marvelous than to feel marvelous.

Ants in my Pants

Ant Hills sat on while watching Lacrosse: 2
Sports practices missed b/c I drove to wrong field: 1
Times daughter asked me to order Pink Devil Angel Costume: approx. 23
Glasses of wine drank before Back to School Night: 1.5 (ran out of time)
Glasses of wine drank after Back to School Night: still drinking

The only thing that's working in my life are my wrinkle creams (that and the Botox -- but I tell people its my new haircut!). My Thinny Thin Chin cream seems to be working (probably because I put it on three or four times a day and I'm already running low), as is the face firming cream and eye hydrating cream and the small tub of $185 ReVive cream that came as a "free" sample with $200 purchase. I do look younger and I am having nice peppy dreams involving hunky young men I am clearly not married to, but I feel older and very dim and incapable.

I mean, what kind of person drives to the wrong sports field and then manages to sit on not one but two ant hills during the course of Lacross practice? How can one well educated person waste her life sorting mail and paying bills and driving in circles around suburban Maryland? It is so depressing and they do not make a cream for this. Turns out aging is not the problem, it is me.

Oh please, did you really have to say Duh?

Holy Crap, only 700 and some odd days to turn into productive person.

Unraveling

Caffeine Units: 2
Dreams about being sexy secret agent with Brad Pitt: 1.5 (damn the alarm!)
Lunches Made: 2
Children Showered: 2
Fights with Hubby: 0

Why does the weekend unravel me so? Monday always feels like a nightmare of odds and ends and things I should have done long ago. My brain spins. I feel like such a failure. Where are the forms I need? Why did I wait until the last minute? Is it too late? What if the store is out of lacrosse sticks? Do I really need to buy the Halloween costume today? Oh crap, quarterly taxes due -- today. What happened to all the money? Do they make a cream for anxiety?

New thought for the day: Do not make things harder than they have to be.

Tip of the Day

Do not order sushi and tempura from Thai-Chinese-Sushi takeout place. You would think that even Bart Simpson could figure this out, so why not soon-to-be-forty me? Also, please try to remember that tempura gives one heartburn and causes bloating that can make one appear three months pregnant overnight! You know this, girlfriend, so why did you eat it?

If I had the answer to that I'd be sitting on a lear jet.

Home Alone

Minutes spent checking for Billy Goat hair: 5
Alcohol Units: 3
Baths refilled: 2
Chinese Food Flab Factor: 2.5
Facial Creams: 5.5 (hey it's Saturday, I had extra time)

Unexpected nocturnal eclipse: both children and husband out of house. What do I do? Order Chinese and take a bath. Daughter's friend's father (got that?) calls, is it okay to upload video of girls dancing to Hannah Montana onto You Tube? Hmmmmmmm. Not sure about that one. Probably not okay, but how do I say no freaking way without sounding like a freak?

Reality Checks Needed: at least 2 by my count

Hair on her Thinny Chin Chin

To tell or not to tell? Having lunch with a friend and I am distracted by this strange long white tuft of hair under her chin -- I am talking a small bit of fluff like a billy goat. Clearly she had waxed or something and missed a spot, because it was hanging down just like a billy goat's gruff -- is what they call it?

I was mesmerized, paralyzed, traumatized. I had no tweezers on me, so if I said something hey, care to go to the ladies' and tweeze? I couldn't fix the situation. But clearly I was behaving strangely because at one point she said "do I have something on my chin?" Uh, no, just a whole bunch of long ugly white hairs that make you look like a billy goat.

Oh God, what is a girl to do? And yes, I did run to the bathroom to make sure there was no hair on my Thinny Chin Chin (which by the way, is shoring up nicely with its twice daily applications)

20 miles a Day?

The bike trip organizer told me that the "beginners" only ride about 20 miles a day. This sounds far to someone who hasn't been on a bike in 25 years. Clearly I am more in it for the wine & cheese component. Do you supposed the Italians make wine glass cup holders for bikes?

Now that hubby has said I can go I am of course getting cold feet. What if I don't like the other women? What if there is too much exercise involved? I could buy half a dozen Manolos for the cost of this trip. What if the hotel rooms are icky? Will I be able to restrain myself from complaining and seeming like a prima donna?

Oh sweet Jesus, just do it.

I'm scared.

My $750 Day

Wrinkle Creams: 3
Caffeine Units: 4
Botox: $500
Hair "Restoration": $250

Yes, you read it right. I am a Botox Baby -- but I've been doing it for years due to a genetic abnormality: Bassett Hound Forehead. I didn't have the nerve to ask my dermatologist what else she could do to make me look younger. I had rehearsed a question, but I was too embarrassed and quite frankly --frightened -- to ask. Once I ask, whatever she tells me will be a done deal and this is already a very expensive operation just to keep the status quo going.

Also saw my hair goddess who "restored" my locks to their "natural" color -- the pale golden blonde my daughter enjoys. Since it is my natural prepubescent color I feel completely justified in claiming to be a natural blonde.

Noticed local newscaster has had lots of Botox but has very puffy/saggy neck. Perhaps I should tip her off about Thinny Thin Chin. But how does one do such a thing politely? Hmmmm.

With so many hours devoted to youth preservation -- hey if I declare myself historic, can I get a tax deduction or something??? -- I have had no time to pay bills, monitor homework, grocery shop or partake in any wifely duties (or slack off on said duties).

80s Hangover

Someone, please make it stop. Modern English is advertising for Ritz Crackers (I'll stop the world and melt with you . . .) INXS is playing (w/out Michael Hutchence -- remember he died from unfortunate sex asphyxiation???) in lame suburban fields like those in Leesburg, VA. Madonna has a fake English accent. And now Billie Ray Cyrus (didn't he die of obscurity???) is dogging me b/c it turns out his daughter (someone slept with him?) is Hannah Montana -- the hottest thing for the Tween and under crowd on the Disney Channel. My seven year old is desperate for Hannah Montana tix at the Verizon Center. Reality Check: each ticket costs more than one bottle of Thinny Thin Chin cream.

Lord Help me. I have Back Fat. Saggy jowls. And must forgo chin cream so my nearest and dearest can watch the spawn of Billie Ray Cyrus lipsinc.

Alcohol Units Needed: 4

Back Fat

Oh my freaking God, I have Back Fat.

This discovery, made in dressing room of Tar-jay while trying on Isaac Mizrahi, Libertine and Alice Tempersley for Target (which are neat looking until you put them on and realize they were sewn in a country with workers less skilled than those in China -- maybe ok to wear to dark club, but who goes to dark club at my age????). Back to the Back Fat. I need to lie down. I cannot deal with this. Is there anything so disgusting as jowls on your back? Please tell me they make a cream for this or I am never going to make it through the next 724 days.

Augh!

Caffeine Units: 5.5
Number of Broken Phones: 2
Face creams used: 5
Alcohol Units Needed: 3
Children's Sports Practices Attended: 2

Less than 24 hours after $400 crackberry purchase it is BROKEN. Or at least "frozen." I had to take it back to the store where they told me I couldn't return it (I threw box into recycle bin and mailed receipt in for rebate) but not to worry b/c this HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. All I need to do is pop the battery in and out while the phone is on and it resets. So it turns out I have purchased lemon instead of berry.

To add insult to injury, SIM card transferred phone numbers from about a year ago, not current list of numbers, so if you are a new friend you are pretty much now erased from my life. And no, I can't retrieve the numbers from the phone's memory because I chucked my old broken phone in the recycle bin at the store. This recycling thing is biting me in the ass, I swear.

And to prove I'm really cursed, it turns out my landline is also not working and probably hasn't been working for some time. I need to call Com-crap-stic and deal with that issue as well. AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!

I thought We'd Made Some Progress on Your Attitude

Comment by delightful hubby upon returning from golf this evening (note: he has been absent for 6 days) "I thought we'd made some progress on your attitude."

Yes, and I thought we'd made progress on your evolution into humanity.

We were both wrong.

Thank God at least I have wrinkle cream.

Life Maintainence

Caffeine Units: 4.25
Adults spoken to: 6 (including 2 salespeople & 2 waiters)
Face Creams: 4 (needed extra help today)
Afternoon Cocktails: 1.5
Fights picked with recently returned hubby: 1

I'm just a Mom and my life is an errand! Two watches dropped off for repair. Drycleaning, gas, lunch packing, round up the old clothes for charity drop. Sweep leaves out of drive (was there ever a more thankless task?).

Admire my new Thinny Thin Chin -- if not thinner it is smooth and silky now, which makes if feel taut.

Lunch date with newly employed friend. Does she like it? No. Does it pay? Yes, and very well, thank you. It is the answer? No. Is it progress. Yes.

In attempt to upgrade life experience and image replaced cell phone -- which was in two pieces (connected by wire) but still worked with dreaded Blackberry. Have absolutely no idea how to use it, but am committed to being grownup and reading instruction manual before I drop it in the tub (death of cell phone before the one in two pieces).

A Brand New (Rainy) Day

Face Creams Used Today: 3
Caffeine Units: 2
Other Adults Spoken to: 1
Light bulbs Changed: 2

As the Countdown Clock continues to race toward forty I realize that the past seven years of just getting through the day and whatever mess has been created or landed in my lap will no longer do. Who wants to arrive at forty out of breath and depressed? I no longer want to feel like I am breaking off pieces of myself and feeding them to my children. I want to find a way to be whole without depriving everyone else.

Crazy idea being contemplated -- joining women only cycling adventure trip in Italy. Let's forget that I haven't been on a bike since I was 12. I have time to get in shape. So what if it is expensive -- it doesn't cost anymore than the kids' camps cost. If they go to "camp" why can't I?

The Glamorous Life

Reheated coffee, check.
Unplug badly stopped up toilet, check.
Hasty phone calls to locate lost backpack at friend's house, check.
Pick up 7,246 Lego pieces before commencing Pilates workout, check.
Bleach white baseball pants (white baseball pants????), check.
Reboot computer, check.
Apply Thinny Thin Chin, check.
Collect dirty dishes discarded throughout house over weekend, check.
Off for my speedwalk, hold the frisky dogs this morning please.

Wine: Life Lesson

Drink a bottle, life is good. Off to drink entire bottle of fizzy water to make sure tomorrow doesn't feel like holdover from last decade.

P.S. Thinny Thin Chin is working. Stickiness is replaced by silky smoothness. Nice lemon lime smell stays for awhile. Definitely incorporating this into the school run, b/c what the hell?

Hi Christine, have you found me yet?

It's Here, It's Here and it Smells Like Lemon-Lime

My Thinny Thin Chin just arrived! Thick and firm cream that smells lemon-limey. I would lick my fingers but it's made with things like helianthus annuus and fucus vesiculosus extract -- don't want to be eating that. Feel firmer already, also slightly sticky. Directions say to massage into jowels twice daily. Hey, I can work this into the school run

New Speedwalking Record Set

Not kidding. Chased Leonardo and Russell around in the bushes. Just Kidding. Feel better.

Ready to attack remaining two years of youth with gusto.

Thought of the day: Change Makes You Sweaty.

Nice Start to Day

After bout with insomnia I overslept. Turns out you can get kids ready for school, find backpacks, make breakfast, make two lunches and get out the door in 21 minutes flat if you need to. Hubby was of course up the whole time and didn't bother to a) wake me at appropriate time, or b) help get kids ready because he was "busy."

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

As for Birthday -- he bought a cake and a pretty pearl necklace for the kids to give me when he got home from his business trip. Apparently when one is important one can simply change the order of days according to one's convenience and all will be right in the world. Now I am not allowed to complain b/c am owner of expensive necklace and "your life is good, give me a break." End Quote.

Morning school run done. Off to speedwalk my way to happiness (or at least away from the verge of tears). Hopefully wrinkle cream will arrive today as face is now crumply and red in addition to saggy. And that is not a good look considering Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crow are apparently in town filming a movie and might decide to escape hoards of desperate women by walking in my boring suburban park.

Leonardo vs. Russell -- you decide.

Death to Crackberry Addicts

3:45 am and he's sitting on the edge of his bed with that damn crackberry. He's got work to do b/c of course he's going on a golf weekend with his buddy leaving me alone with the kids, which of course I've been all week and will be most of next week while he is in New York. Which is fine. Fine. Fine. So nice of you to drop by the house for 8 hours to pick up your golf shoes. Now I'm awake and can't sleep which of course makes me so mad I can't risk speaking. Not to mention that lack of sleep contributes to pre-mature aging and we all know how I feel about that. Must fall asleep, must fall asleep, must fall asleep . . .

To Do List: Fall asleep.

Speedwalking to Happiness

Turns out you can walk yourself happy, at least for awhile. For awhile I actually turned my brain off long enough to enjoy myself. How happy was I? So happy that I wasn't even annoyed at all the people in the park whose unleashed dogs tried to sniff my sweaty tush as I tried to speed past. If there is a graceful way to swat a dog away from one's crotch please let me know.

My Late Thirties

Okay, here we go. It is official: I am in my late thirties. According to Google I don't exist. My Thinny Thin Chin cream had better arrive soon. Personal self improvement plan for the day includes: pilates, speedwalking, changing all burnt out light bulbs, taking out garbage and trying to locate flashdrive where I stored the draft of my novel two years ago.

Does hubby realize he forgot my Birthday? Do I care? Should I care?

Happiness is a choice -- I am going with that. I choose to be happy. I am happy Goddamn it! FEEEEEEL my happiness. Off to speedwalk my way to happiness and self esteem.

Birthday Girl Seeks

Mother of two and Sad Birthday Girl in small panties seeks that man in the silver Range Rover for flirtation and conversation over Grande Skim Chai.

It turns Out I Don't Exist

If you've been reading you know that I've had a bit of spare time today since MY HUSBAND AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET BASICALLY FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY (not that I'm upset). The two friends who remembered will be remembered in my Last Will and Testament. But I digress. The point is, with all this spare time, I did something a busy mom has no time to do: I Googled myself. And guess what?

I am so lame I do not actually exist.

He Forgot My Birthday

Okay, I know the clock has not officially run out, but I think we can call it. My husband forgot that today was my 38th Birthday (Or as I like to call it: my 10th 29th Birthday). I have spoken to him twice in the last hour and not ONCE has he said the Magic Words. He has not even hinted that he remembers.

And you wonder why I am freaking out about forty? Because 40 might be a rerun of the last few years and that would be awful.

HIGHLIGHTS OF THE LAST FEW DAYS:

According to recent news reports, senior citizens are having way more sex than I am.

In the words of my son, upon hearing how old I am, "You're almost as old as the Queen!" He means Queen of England. I understand that to a 7 yr old, the difference between 38 and say, 82 or so, is negligible, but for a woman who is way younger than the late Princess Diana, being compared to the Queen is, well you do the math.

Digital camera stolen -- along with all relevant memories of last six months of children's lives (please don't e-mail me about regular downloading -- does anyone do that????).

Holy Crap! moment in front of mirror when I realize favorite sundress of summer gives pedestrians a Brittany Spears sort of view of my tush when I bend over (for the record, I don't go commando, but panties are small). And no one said a thing all summer. Must put house on market immediately.

Mother called drunk to wish me Happy Birthday (sad, but probably reason why more senior citizens are having sex than I am).

Found liver spots on arms.

Low/high point of day: briefly considered ramming Range Rover of cute 40 something man who smiled at me in the traffic circle. But, you guessed it, didn't want to be late for THE SCHOOL RUN.

Someone please save me. The countdown clock is still running and I have really got to start doing things differently.

Thinny Thin Chin

Thinny Thin Chin has been ordered. It will probably be about as effective as those cellulite creams I keep buying, but if it makes me feel better it is cheaper than therapy, so what the hell. I shall fight the good fight against wattle. If you had seen photos of my grandmother (Zzzt -- sound of lightening zapping me) you would know this is going to be the mother of all battles (along with the everlasting battle against unwanted facial hair, which I simply cannot bear to discuss).

Okay, two years to turn this train around. No more excuses.

I will exercise regularly.

I will eat more vegetables.

I will drink less wine.

I will be less judgmental of others.

I will finish the last four chapters of my book that I have been trying to edit for the last three years (ouch!).

I will teach my children to tie their own shoes.

I will learn to stop holding grudges.

I will forgive my mother for my awful childhood.

I will wear age appropriate clothing.

I will learn to be patient with those who are clearly stupid.

I will be grateful.

I will stop swearing at people when I drive.

I will stop being vane.

Hmmm, this is depressing. It sounds like I am going to have to become a different person.

I need a drink.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Important news of the day -- I share a Birthday with Dweezil Zappa! So happy B'day Dwee, is your face sliding south, too?

Symbolic of how I'm feeling lately, I tried to log on and blog earlier but everything I typed was invisible!

It is almost 1 pm here in Boringham and so far 4 whole people have remembered it is my Birthday -- my 7 year old daughter, my mother, my mother-in-law and one friend who gets major Brownie points. Hubby is on a business trip in Atlanta -- he called earlier to tell me how stressful his day was but did NOT say the magic words.

Stay tuned to find out if he remembers in the next 11 hours. Will he be vanquished to the Birthday Doghouse???

Must run because I think I have found the answer to my problems -- a cream called Thinny Thin Chin. Must order it from Bliss before the school run.

Bonfire of my Vanities

Can someone please host one for me? I spent the weekend in a bikini sucking my gut in while trying to hold my chin up so my neck wouldn't sag. I think all I managed to do was look stuck up. Either that or angry. I actually had someone ask me if I was mad at them.

Tomorrow is D-Day for 37, the countdown clock is racing toward 40. Why did I ever turn that thing on? I feel like I am careening towards death or something. I guess I could delete the HTML code and stop the clock in its tracks. But the he real problem is not my countdown clock -- it is that I can't turn off my brain. And my brain has really run amok. Every time I see another woman remotely my age this horrible voice inside my head asks Is she thinner than I am? Is she older than I am? Do I look that old?

I spent Saturday morning contorting my neck in the mirror to see whether or not I have any ear wrinkles. Ear wrinkles -- that telltale little vertical wrinkle/fold in front of the ear -- is my Rosetta Stone of aging. So far I think I'm fine on the ear wrinkles, but my face seems to be sliding downward and I have a squashy pad under my chin. I am terrified of a face lift but I can't bear the thought of a double chin.

Even worse than the shame of my rapacious vanity is this horrible feeling that perhaps I really don't have too much to show for myself for all these years. Am I interesting? Would I want to talk to me at a party? Would I want to be married to me? My husband is married to his job, I am married to our kids. I spend most of my time running monotonous errands, fixing broking things, driving around in circles (school run, soccer, etc) and making macaroni and cheese. I used to travel and write. I used to cook grown up food. I used to have friends of my own. I need a plan to turn things around, but I don't have time to come up with one.

It's time to do the school run.