Internal Organs

I am having a problem with my internal organs. Mainly, if you are a woman who has had children it is difficult for everything to fit back where it is supposed to go after the baby comes out. This is true even if you end up weighing less after pregnancy than you ever weighed before.

How is this fair?

You can bet that if a man's penis got misshapen after passing too much sperm through it they would come up with a cream to fix it.

Meanwhile, I think I am getting an earwrinkle.

This is terrible.

Beauty Tip of the Day

When you wake up feeling like sticking your head in the oven a mani-pedi is in order.

Pretty toes and fingers beat a shrink any day.

Now about the nose hair . . .

The Final Taboo: Nose Hair

Why is it no one will talk about nose hair?

I am most desperate to get rid of mine -- every day I seem to grow another one in there that is anxious to find its way into the light and out my nostril -- but no one else seems willing to admit they have a problem with this.

Perhaps I am the only one. There must be a cream for this. I've thought of using Nair, but that seems dangerous. Plucking is inadequate. What is a girl to do???????

Flunking Toothfairy School

A new low for me.

I have flunked out as a Toothfairy. Not only did I lose my daughter's tooth, but she left a nice note and asked the toothfairy for her signature and guess what . . . The stupid tooth fairy didn't come. I felt like the world's biggest loser.

(Mommy got in the tub with a glass of wine and forgot all about the lost tooth, the note, etc.)

Luckily it turned out the Toothfairy did actually come, but the money fell under the bed -- Thank God for gullible children.

I'm a lout. I deserve unwanted facial hair. I deserve wrinkles and warts.

The Most Dangerous Thing in My House . . . .

EXPIRED BIRTH CONTROL PILLS! Lordy, lordy I do not need to be Forty with a baby!

Turns out pretty much everything in my medicine cabinet is expired -- from vitamins to Ex Lax (why do they call it that?).

But expired birth control pills? Holy panic attack. They don't make a cream for this.

Must run to pharmacy for anti-anxiety meds and new vitamins.

Panic Attack: ongoing
New wrinkles formed from panic attack: 8
Alcohol Units: hey it's noon in Paris.

Deformed Ears!

In my continued quest for enlightenment, self-improvement and the perfect face cream I decided to get with the program and buy an iPod. Turns out that technology is not the problem -- downloading music is easier than playing a CD. It turns out -- get this -- I have DEFORMED EARS. Those stupid little ear buds simply won't go in/stay in/fit in my ears. I have to wear a stocking cap over my head to keep the damn things anywhere in the vicinity of my ears. This looks very strange when it is 70 degrees out.

Why didn't anyone ever mention this deformity to me in the past? How could I have overlooked it? Perhaps this is why my husband has told me to never, ever cut my hair short (that and hair sex).

So what to do? Does Apple accept returns from deformed people???

Beauty Tip of the Day: Never let them see your ears.

Beauty Tip of the Day

Throw away your disposable razor when it begins to rust.

I'M BACK!!!!!

I'm nearly a month older and have very little to show for it. I have good excuses, but really, who cares? Thanks to a new cream called Procrastination Preventer that I have recently patented I should be back to my old neurotic self now.

Now, if only there was a cream for this unwanted freaking facial hair --- I'm off to make a threading appointment. And to chase Keifer Sutherland around the park. Think he's into flirting with soon-to-be-forty-something fans? It's been a great weekend, Keifer, Bono, George Clooney and Sting are all in town. And here I am, searching for creams on the Internet and driving around in circles to soccer games. C'est la Vie.

Alcohol Units Consumed During Absence: Betty Ford Quantities
Nicotine Units: 6 (shame, shame)
Number of Neighbors Intoxicated at Trick of Cocktails Party: ALL
Number of Compromising Photos of Said Neighbors Dancing to Thriller: 11
New Creams Tried: 3